lovehutz's Blog

It’ s an injustice that justice did not work
a life was taken one single mistake
trigger happy cop, SHOT and made you drop
A pool of blood your smile was gone
Hey cop did you know he made me smile
He made me live through my hell
He was my brother and ex lover
When no one else cared he was there
Helping me through my pain
We all together we a family
Cause no one else cared
They say we have a choice but we all need love
If we found it in each other
What else could we do
We had no tools to know another way
Until that fateful day
I know we were bad enough to be killed
by a trigger happy cop
On that fateful day, we lost our bro
Rest in Peace Paully
NZ

Hehe, yeach nothing like looking at your blog and going wtf, yeach oh yeach. Well been kind of busy going out dancing with friends ya know, what you do when you get a life.Well went through a major downer very interesting, there was a reason but all good now. I now have a prayer partner which is cool she is from overseas. I have gotten to know a lot of people, I got incredibly sociable as much as I can. Well I have no children here no partner, so a lot of freedom to come and go coooool. Hehe. I still want to do a lot more, but will get around to it.I love EP confessions they make my day! Yep I must still be a strange cookie but hey I like my strange, not boring!!!!!!!!!!!

Today I feel so sad, I guess I was not meant to be happy. I try so hard to always do my best, but I am me. I guess I am my hardest critic. Sometimes it is like being in the twilight zone, like where is normal. Who am I and why am I who I am. You know or the stupid crap that goes with bad thinking, I will not share I am sick of hearing it myself let alone feeling it. Can hardly blog, do n't know why I started.

Well not so freaked out about guys looking at me in town., I guess I never noticed till that young guy kind of brought it to my attention . Then kind of  freaked, but now it is nothing. As for the guy I love I have still let him go. It is so good for both of us. I did n't say he looked at me at the busstop and smiled. Shame I was freaking out I might have smiled back. That was in the middle of everything. I was so confused but not now, I am free from that. The good thing is now we can be friends one day.
     I am not usually that attentive on guys; if anything they can fall over themself trying to get my attention and  I will not notice lol. Cause I grew up with brothers, so I am very comfortable socializing with guys.
This is good to respect this guy, not shy away. I think I accidently looked at him once that was good; he gave very happy friendly look. He understands I'm getting on with things and leaving it totolly. I did n't know I had it in me but then I never have bothered that much lol. Yeach kind of easy for me, considering we did not have a relationship.
     Also I am not grieving as much, and I am happier slowly. That is probably why I can move on as my thinking improves so will my behaviour to some degree; I never said I was perfect though hehe. I am afraid as I my thinking gets better I am less likely to blog my inner thoughts sorry to say or not lol.
  I am not the person I was but then that was not me any way, now I am a mixture. I hope that I can consolidate who I am, I just want to be my true self. I have lost all I love, which has made me more unfeeling at times other times to much emotion. When it first happen it almost sent me backwards but with others I went forwards. But slowly I loose something of myself and I do not know what it is, or maybe I am just remembering who I really am.

Yeah it is really difficult to know what is the right thing to do. I get so emotional lately that I wander what is happening to me. Where am I going, what am I doing. There seems to be a lot of reaction with not much thought. I think I follow Gods path I am OK, anything else and truely I will go insane. This I know, today I feel sane, I am following Gods direction. This was hard for me to do, but such a mental relief, cause I start to mentally torture myself. I am trusting Gods will in my life. So today was a really sad day for me, but it turned out so well. We had a church dance, it was amazing. There were many cultures and age groups, we all got on the floor and went crazy. Yep we even had the circle where everyone takes a turn to show there stuff. We have professional street dancers, they were brillliant. We even danced to Battle Scars, the young guys danced to thriller, oh so funny and tallented. Great bonding time between the generations.
 This reminded me God wants fun, love, freedom from torture, sooo good. I must say I found out how funny my friends are. They acted a grease song out, it was so funny, laughter was everywhere. Interesting I notice I like to get more in to dancing than laughing. To me dancing is an emotional releif, like music take away my blues. Hard to laugh when you are getting rid of suffering, hard to explain.
Today I really was looking at myself more, I have learnt so much about myself, and I am greatful to the people who taught me more about me. How what I do affects others, and what can I do to try to make sure I do n't. Thats a hard one when I go with my emotion. I think I am a bit in shock over how drasticly my life changed so suddenly. I am learning a lot watching interactions on EP. I have taken some lessons and used them wisely. I love supporting and being supported, of course I ralate more to people like me.; I guess we all do.
Well as for the guy I was in love with, I still love him but I try to get on with things.True love you let go of that person and give them peace. Maybe God will give me peace in this area. Now I do not let him in, I hope I'm not hurting him .All I seem to do is hurt people, cause there is to much hurt in me for love to really get in. Come to think of it do I even know what love is, I have not grown up with it, so yeah what is love to me. I think love grows with proper communication, respecting each other and not crossing each others boundaries. That is what Gods wants for us.

Things are better I'm integrating my personaliy more; which means sometimes I shake, cause now I feel even more.It happened a month ago. Now I just give people angry looks if I think they look at me, or play games in town. They just look amused, so I play a game too. I walk straight towards someone watching me, look angry and straight in to their eyes; then confuse them by sitting in front of them; which is trust cause your suppose to watch your back. I am giving confused messages. In other words I'm not afraid of whats behind my back hehe. Everyone takes off, except the guy. I have no idea what I did it was instinct and it worked. I have the tools and I'm using them, the thing is I look like I do not have those tools, oh but I have.
I am fighting for my sanity cause if I do n't it will be gone, so what is there to be afraid of accept fear. I guess in some ways I am putting my walls back up. That is OK I pull them down for church. Yes I am fighting for the right to be in town and feel safe.I do n't know why I feel like this unsafe; but it is my responsibilty to make my world safe for me.
This is my focus not on anyone else and their world; but what I need to do for me, to strenghten me. I feel safe finally but yeah got to keep at it. Sometimes I wish I never blogged other times I guess it is better to be out there and be yourself. I stil need to combine my personality more, cause it is me this is me. I need to be proud of all of me.
Maybe I pray more to God and ask forgiveness, for who I am, I do n't know but I am trying so hard. Maybe too hard maybe I need to let go of stuff more. Learn to love myself more;myself I think I am getting there I hope. My mood:

The fear was taken from me, just like that gone, suddenly I feel so strong.; but I know it is not my strength. No fear out on the street, just know god's got my back. Wow.It is an amazing feeling, it is like nothing can affect me. Even this guy try to eye me it just fell away and I smilled a lovely smile. He looked angey, with sad, I felt compassion, love and happiness. Yes my life is empty but full of god's promises.
As for the flesh I think that will always be a battle for me, but I accept that side of me. It makes me more human easy for others who battle with the flesh to reach out. I do not judge I understand. But it is a very dangerous and slippery slope, and I have to be so careful. It is totally my biggest weakness, I can see that now. It can bring me down, oh so low that I would have to claw my way back up.
Yet always promises of something good for you. In the right  situation, and time it is; but it never is the right situation or time. So I ask god's help and forgiveness if need be, in this area. I know god is stronger and I am so willing to let god, take over everything, I give it to you god; take it all. I will try to not live in condemnation. Dam do n't some of those confessions, hit the mark; sign, ough I felt that, ummmm and that.
Well just trying to get on with my life, it is getting better, slowly.

Never said what happen to me, at another busstop a while ago this year. You will not beleive it. I am finished a major event at church, OK I stand out cause I dance and rock it. So I am standing at this busstop, and this young guy stands beside me and stares, and stares, stares stares. Then moves in to my personal space, I got a thing about my personal space. I am looking away and not knowing what to do, this guy is triggering me, my abuse, big time. Then he stands in front of me and stares. I know what that girl means about feeling raped by someones eyes.Then his friend comes and talks to him, he moves Then thank goodnes their bus came.I felt really werid. I do not expect that from a young guy. Problem is when I am triggered I can not think or move, I freeze, epecially such a dominant personality. I can not believe someone is dominating me in a busstop. You know what it unhealed some healing, it was too forceful for me.

 I think this would not happen if I was in a relationship, really sad. I am so afraid that I will commit myself to a relationship; rather then put up with street  mindgames. Then I am on my own and free, I do n't know whether to be happy or scared. I do not mind admiring looks well sometimes, do n't laugh that can be too much. Someone making sure they catch my eye, looking deep in to my eyes suddenly. so I do not know they are going to do it.My defences are down, and my body reacts. Sort of yum for body but not so good when you are celibate.Not happening so much since I have started blogging, so that is cool. I would walk to the end busstop cause I so afraid. Any more issues back to walking to the end busstop. I must have something I do n;t know about, we have all sorts in our church. My firends admire me dancing but now I think, is this to much of an attraction., NO this is rediculus, I have got to be me stuff these attitudes. Stop looking at me dance, dam it have fun, I am not the answer.

Well we are to say hello to people, so theres this dude with scateboard and I try to make him feel welcome and encourage him to come back. Yeah well at the busstop he comes rocking up on his scateboard I politely smile. He seems to know just about all the streetlife and ends up talking right next to the window; where I am sitting on the seat. I am thinking to myself,I hope he did not mistake an act of friendliness. Then thinking what he is doing at our place, is it becoming a place for a mission. Lots of people, no ones perfect, and he is not fitting the profile. People been praying for me all day, they are sencing evil and spoken evil. I have been told my road is going to be rough, but I was expecting that. I guess I am expecting lots of backlash. I had someone already lined up to pray, for my sutuation. Let the battle begin I guess. Anyway seen this guy with scarf on his face, tipical gang look theses days. I am a bit on alert so checked his face for motives. Non, just passing through, but such sad eyes, distressed looking face. The pain, I could feel it coming from him, it was too sad to be scared of. He is living in hell, so unhappy, wow. Normally I do not look but I am on safey alert, all the time looking at people, checking, reading, understanding and processing. You have to have been, where I have been, to understand this. It is only temporary, and will pass, just checking things out. I have been told the devil is really trying to get in to bring me down, but not to worry, god is stronger. Thats OK I expected all this, just a phaze passing through for wanderful times with god..

I can not believe me what was I thinking, I want to delete every post about this poor guy. So what there is an attraction. it happens. Problem is, it is getting in the way a bit. Well pretty sure I found him trying to hook up with girl in Welly, go dude go, good on him. Yeah I was trying to get on with life and happened to be on the same site. I messaged him hi, nice to see him. He read it and viewed me a few days. Hummm good for him, does n't crap in his own backyard., going out there finding his lady.
Yeah so have quite a few honeys viewing me some every day. Amazing age group, blows me away, how much interest. But I'm kind of holding back cause of this guy, sign. We both like to play, we do not muck around. Good for him, he moves on and goes for it. Might be why I have had a few evil looks from the dude and a name, yes I read lips, but he knew I could. Besides back then I was not sure it was n't just me. Now I know but  dude, we are not going out and your out there too. LOL. I have had some try and hook up ya know in away I will not. But now have started wandering if he was testing me under an assumed name. lol. Well I passed with flying colours, we seem to be fiernds but he knows I know what he is doing. The lord reveals the truth, hehe.
 Any way I was unhappy that some marreid men had put me on favouretes so, told them and that I do not like married men, do one night stands or sex. Well more married men put me on favouretes and I get a flippen email WTF. Yep had this model type body guy to die for looking me up, look at his profile married causual women huh. I think these guys are bored have a sence of humor, and have to much determination for thier own good. Worse there is a married man has me on favoretes no photo and lives in my town. I almost feel dirty, yuck, yuck, yuck. Still there are lots of single honeys, but like I said, I'm holding back, cause of this guy.
How ever if he gets a lady I will be so happy for them and bless them; it is n't like I will have any problems hooking up, it just has to be a permenant hook up. Also I have to be careful that it is God driven and not me driven, oh so hard. No love life until marriadge. Yep and that is how I have been for 12 years, I'm a good girl, so far!!!!
 

The day he gazed at me was the day I was going to end it between us. I stopped all eye contact and cryed the whole time. He knew and needed to tell me how he felt. I was only ending it cause I thought that was what he wanted; well his look had been angry at me. I guess he knew why I was ending it. So yeach he must have missed us connecting, I guess he needs to connect too. I could have ended it there, but now I never want to let him go. I'm afraid he will always have a place in my heart.
  Now when I see him, I see a lovely soft guy; or is that the soft look of a man in love. Will he find it another, who knows. I want nothing but the absolute best for him, love is like that.
  Well it has been a tough soul destroying week; but thanks to EP, I got through. Although sometimes worry, if someone not on line that they have n't done what they are thinking of doing. I guess we will get to know each other more as time goes on. Here is where people can really be themselves and that is so cool. EP ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!

It is getting rediculus, I was with an attractive guy today. But there is something in me saying not who you want or love. WTF I am going to be faithful to a guy that is based soly on eye communication, this has got to end end end. I can go on line appreciate attractive guys. Thats fine cause we not meeting or any other thing on line. So what happens if a guy is interested in me, lucky I have blogged and they all know I'm in love. 
   The thing is I know when I'm being faithful, recognise the feelings was faithful for years. But not to this guy who is probably just going for it. Cause he can and good on him, why not we are in no way attached.He is attractive got it going on, and so have I; so why am I bothering with him. Why has he gone for me. One time, when he saw me go past window; he looked at me and in case I did n't get it; walked closer to me and gazed. I mean in case I did n't get his first intended gaze. 
Dam dam dam, he knows how to trigger all my buttons and he is playing me like a B   ---- guitar. GRRR.
He even makes me feel angry like no other person does. Still he behaved him self last time but it's to late dude, no women can resist you, and you know it. WHY WHY WHY ME of all people, what was it about me, WHAT. I know I am diffrent and stand out. Well you must like diffrent big time.
 The weidest thing is I knew stuff about you before it was confirmed. OK I looked for your name cause here I am falling in love and I do n't know your name. You sat beside me I had my chance to find out but I did n't know then I was sutling falling in love with you. Man your eyes can do a lot.. So yeah I found your name and everything I knew about you was confirmed. Amazing I could tell just by looking in your eyes.So if I saw love that is probably what I saw. You can be so hard my love, but there is that side of me that matchs that; as you are finding out. Or maybe it is the hard side of  me that is is attracting you. 
  Last time I saw you, I saw a softness in you; a lovely guy and I just wanted the best for you. Your happeness even if it is not mine. I LOVE you I LOVE you. I am sorry I LOVE you, there is nothing I can do but pray for the best result for both of us.
 
 

My mood: extremely determined

Well he stopped giving me those looks, and locked me out of his heart. Although we did look at each other a lot, come to think of it.The looks were diffrent they were not hitting our hearts, I think. It was a big releif but  problem is that does not change how I feel, I miss those looks and connecting with him.  Any way I was invited to help out where we both go every week. When I read blogs the main thing I notice, is they say to say hello. I decided that saying hello would stop any unreal stuff and ground me more in reality. So yeah he is there, I am looking at him he notices and looks at me. I do not turn away and am thinking I must go over. In my mind I go, problem is my body does not follow. Why can n't I say hello what am I afraid of.
     There is a mix up and I am not needed to help; so there I am laughing with embarissement cause he is right there. I look at him he looks at me, his friend looks at me. Yeah floor swallow me now, I leave quickly and do not look back.
Oh well plenty of time to say hello, or I might just get over it all. He can not win if he gives me a look of love I'm distressed I'm not with him, if he does n't I'm distressed from missing his love. Come to think of it he seems to always notice, when I'm looking so who is watching who. Gosh love screws your brain up, I feel so confused.

Not feeling like I can go tomorrow, feeling pretty fragle today. O f course I will go, but in a very cautious frame of mind. To day had a wanderful revelation that I had lost my true focus. If I focus on the right thing everything else will take care of it's self. I just hope I am functioning in that frame of mind tomorrow. Being vunerable with grief has made the situation worse than it would have been. My defences were down allowing this to happen, oh well I will focus on my higher happier purpose in life tomorrow. I hope????

Each week I go through the same delema, yay I am going to see him. Oh no I'm going to see him, how can I avoid his amazing loving; or depending on his mood, hateful eyes. I want to cry just thinking about it, there is no way I can avoid those eyes. The worse is I long to loose myself in them, even in a glance. I want to see him I want to tell him, I love you with all my heart. Deep down I know why, we are not the stereotype match, in our world that matters a lot.
   So here it is, I love you my darling I long to hold you, and no I can not replace you. I dream of you holdimg me longingly, lovingly; running your fingers through my hair and wiping away my tears. Kissing each other gentily, than passionately without a care. Looking in to each others eyes knowing that we are together.
   I am such a dreamer hehe
  Reality, mental note to self; I will not look in to his eyes, and run away afterward. So he can not corner me with those oh so deleious looks; that makes me want to  lick them up, like an icecream melting in my mouth ummm.